Yo peeps, am feeling so glad that things are not the way I thought they are. Thank goodness. Have realised the blunder I've made which caused much of my agony for the past few weeks. Bet you all know what I'm talking about. I apologise for making you all worry about me. Really my fault for feeling so conscious and thinking too much. Anyway, I've learnt my mistake about blogging and I promise never to put down specific details again. Cause I realise I'm really being too naive about blogging and often misjudge the consequences of writing certain things down. Yep. Shan't be so gloomy about that blunder anymore. Feel so relieved even though at the end of the day I've not resolved the issue of whether I was being hated. But it doesn't matter anymore. Shall be myself and shall start loving the me who's ever so concern about anything else except for me.

I know I said I wanted to stop blogging in my previous entry but I feel that this is worth blogging about so that friends know my confusing situation has been resolved. Anyway, thank you all for listening to me and helping me through the troubled times. Thank you thank you. Anyway, I think I was kind of impatient to some extent. Too impatient to find out the truth, to know what's going on, to make things seem right. But now it seems my impatience has only proven to me how foolish I am. That's how it is with infatuation, it makes people foolish (derived from the epistemology for infatuate). Silly me. Lol. But I'll treat this as a good learning experience and will grow to be stronger and wiser.

Alrighty, shall end here. Shall talk somemore next time. Cya. =)

Do you ever have the feeling that you're not yourself at times? Why is it that sometimes I feel that I'm becoming more and more of a different person, a person I cannot recognise? But I'm still myself and things have not changed, what then is the reason for the strange feelings I feel inside of me? Like everything's not the same even when everything's just like they should be. So weird. Maybe it is in the realisation of life and the awareness of growing up that makes me more conscious about me and the things happening around me. Though I'm still not sure what happened, if anything happened in the first place, I'm sure it all has to do with my own attitude and emotions. It is in this realisation that makes me different and yet the same. Cause I'm a self-contradictary person so I naturally display such inclination towards anything.

So don't feel like studying again. But everytime when I don't I'll end up feeling so guilty. Why is there guilt in the first place? What is guilt? To me, guilt arises when one perceives a wrong that is done, no matter to who, causing some kind of hurt to a person. Can there be guilt if one has no concern about another person? Actually it depends. Some guilt arises become a wrong done can in turn hurt ourselves, our own beliefs and feelings. So it might not be so much due to the concern about the person the wrong is done to, but rather the concern over the hurt done to ourselves for doing that wrong which we cannot accept we have done.

But then again, a lot of things are not as clear cut as they seem. There's not really a black and white boundary to any human associated thoughts and feelings. Guilt is one that exists in the grey boundary of self and others, of concern and apathy and of understanding and not understanding. At the end of the day, it is up to us to make a choice of how we want to make of that guilt, to make of ourselves and the people around, and hence making the decisions about what is important to us. No matter what decisions we make, they are all reflections of our own feelings and beliefs, which can be right or wrong depending on how we want to look at it. I believe that in this world, there's no absolute right or wrong. It's a matter of how we want to look at things, how we want to live our lives. If I want to live my life feeling that everything is alright, then I'll just have to believe that nothing is wrong. "I think, therefore I am". It all goes back to the power of our mind.  

So to anyone who has any guilt over anything, anyone, maybe you can try to let go and believe that some things are just beyond our control, beyond what we can do at that point in time of the wrong we have done because of our own thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to learn how to let go as well. Because there's nothing wrong being who we are. If you're still feeling hurt, it is because of the feelings you have for the person that makes the wrong done so painful and hard to let go. Then why not try to change your guilt and hurt to something more positive, like believing that the person is truly happy. Because time can heal any hurt and everyone derserves to be happy. So if the person is happy, why can't we let go and try to find our own happiness as well?

Some people may be forever gone from us, but love will always remain in our memories of the person. Love is not about who deserves it more than others, is not about who is more important than others. Love is when there is trust even when everything seems to be wrong, is the acknowledge that someone has changed your life and you are grateful for it and that that life is worth living afterall.

Once again I've typed so many things again. But I love to engage myself in deeper thoughts like the discovery of life, thoughts and emotions because they make me feel that I exist. If I don't know about them, it feels like I don't know about my life and why I'm living, what I'm living for. From all these thoughts, I'm always learning more about myself and discovering the real me. It is the awareness that makes me who I am, even if everything about me fails. I don't know know if what I said can really help anyone, or if people are actually really listening to me when I say them. But at the end of the day, what really matters is whether we all can find happiness in life.

Ok, think I might just stop blogging for some time after this entry. I need to connect back to the reality and do the things that are required of me, which the practical side of me urges me to. Don't know when I'll come back but I'll try to when there are some important things to update. So people, you all can take a break from the boring stuff I've been uploading quite a lot in my blog recently. Lol. Before I end, here's a song I think is quite nice. Now you all must be wondering why I like this kind of new age music. Somehow, they make me think a lot about the world and get me to understand things as  I connect to them. I guess everyone has a typical connection to a certain music and mine is this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSVbYVmhv4Q Enjoy. =)

Am listening to the soundtracks of the village. Got me into the "thinking and emo" mode again. I always feel like I can travel into another world, a world of my own, everytime I listen to music.

Speaking of the village, I kind of remember this 2 lines mentioned in the movie. One is "Sometimes, we don't do the things we want to do so that others don't know we want to do them", the other is the reply, which is "Sometimes, we don't do the things we want because others know we want to do them, so we don't do them", something like that. I kind of like the way they say it, how they view the fear we have towards ourselves and to others. I wonder why do people develop this emotion called "fear". What is the purpose of fear? Is it to protect us from harm, from hurt and from sadness? But even without fear, does it mean that we will not experience harm, hurt and sadness? Does fear originate from the lack of trust? What is trust? Is trust an illusion, decieving us into believing that there's something good out there when everything is just emptiness?

I have many many questions, but at the end of the day I don't think I have the strength to answer all of them. Sometimes, when I think deeper, I'm not sure if all that I claim to believe in is just an illusion to hide the emptiness I feel inside of me. Somehow right, even if my life is just an illusion and is really empty, I want to believe that it's not. To me, I feel that "Sometimes we don't do the things we want to do, but in beliving that others will understand why we don't do them, we can forgive ourselves for not doing them and hence find the strength to carry on with life". Yay, have created my own philosophical line. But at the end of the day, it's all about being lonely and pessimistic. That's how it is when we grow up, we start thinking about these kind of things cause we've become so much more aware of the world and people around. Don't think I can ever go back to the child I used to be, believing that "everything's going to be alright", "the world is fair" and even "the good will come to those who believe in it". I want to believe them, but somehow, I've learnt to become cynical about life even when my heart wants to believe otherwise. Maybe it's because the more I thought I know, the more I realise I don't know about anything, making it hard for me to believe in anything anymore.

I've came across this book while studying in the library a few days back, which mentioned a play called "Waiting for Godot". The idea behind this play is that our life is like a joke and that there's no purpose in life, like how the characters waited and waited for Godot (God) but he never appear throughout the play. At the end of the day, what are we living for? What are we suffering for? Is there something good generated by our presence in this world? Maybe there isn't any purpose to life. Maybe we're all living for the sake of understanding life, understanding ourselves and all of the world's complexity just to prove we have lived once before we die some day. Whatever is it, though it is not our choice to be brought into the world, to be living as we are today, it is our choice to believe that there's a meaning to our existence and to live a life we want to live as. And it is in believing in life itself that makes our lives different from another illusion, because life exists if we believe it to exist. 

Why am I using so much brain for my philosophical debate again? Am supposed to relax my mind, which was my intention of blogging, after my last test of the week today. Must be because I've traveled into another world again while listening to the songs. Shall stop here for tonight because I'm really thinking too much and it's draining me. Before I end, here's a link to the song which I feel suits the content of my blog tonight. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEh2N5hmPVM Enjoy.  

Am counting down to my last test of the week, which is tomorrow. I feel so exhausted, so overly stretched. Think it's cause I'm too used to just having projects that I've forgotten how stressful tests can be. But actually, looking in the long term, there isn't really anything to look forward to even after the test because there are still assignments and final exams to be concerned with. The only time I can truly feel relaxed is when the holi comes. But even then I think I'll be busy working again and maybe busy planning on how to celebrate my 21st birthday. Sigh. I'm supposed to be very excited over it, but the closer I get to that date, the more stressful I get.

Think I've mentioned quite a few times to friends before, probably you all also heard from me a lot of times, my mum is getting so excited about my birthday that sometimes it's getting on my nerves. Like she'll keep recommending this buffet, that restaurant for me to consider to hold a birthday dinner next year. I really appreciate her efforts, but the thing is I feel she's adding more problems to my already very hectic and chaotic life at the moment. I just want to concentrate on what I need to do and leave all these things to the end of the year when I feel I'm free to think about it. But she just keeps talking about it every now and then. I don't know. Maybe cause I'm the last person in the family who will be celebrating 21st birthday, so she's like so pumped up with energy. Then in the end, I'll be the one who feels so bad for being the one who's like ruining all her excitment. Why must I be the first person to celebrate? I have no idea what I want to do. Help me. Oh well, I shall leave this very headache problem till the holi. Don't want to think so much at the moment.

I shall talk about some happy stuff before I continue my ordeal of revising for test again. Remember I mentioned about tips on staying happy in my previous entry. I shall share one of the tips I have, which work very well for me. So if anyone is feeling as stressful as me, or moody, you can try this method. I must say this won't work for everyone, so don't go feeling absurd if you try it and it doesn't work.

Ok. My method is to try telepathing to a nearby Myna. In case you don't know what's that, it's a really cute Asian bird which is black in colour and has a bright yellow beak. I choose Myna cause I think they really have the very innocent look that makes me want to connect with them. But cause sometimes when I walk, I don't have time to telepath a lot of things to them, so I'll just say "Hi" in my heart to them and try to see if they get my telepathy. Sometimes when they get it, they'll look at me then I'll try to interpret what they're thinking. It's really really fun and cool! Mynas are very innocent, so it's not difficult to try to guess what they're thinking. That time I got a lot of message from this Myna while studying in Marine Parade library. It was thinking about getting a twig from the potted plant near the table I was sitting. Feel so sorry for the little one cause it can't get in with the window blocking it. So if one day you're really very very stress or upset, you can try telepathing to a Myna like me. I know it sounds crazy but it really works. There are so many Mynas in Singapore so it's really a very convenient way to cheer yourself up. That's why I say, love is everywhere. Even the most unnoticeable thing can give us a lot of love and encouragement if we really look at it and try to understand it. You can laugh, but if you really try looking at the little ones, you'll understand what I'm saying. But maybe some people just don't have the inclination towards animals. Then you'll never be able to understand the feelings I have towards these little Mynas.

Wow, I've talked so much again. Must go and study now. Sob. Cya.